Monday, October 24, 2011

My Emotional Enemy

I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get off this ride. I know that a lot of people suffering from Rheumatoid and Lupus deal with people asking them why they are hurting and have to deal with people judging them based on a serious lack of understanding. I am blessed to not have that problem in most of my daily encounters. I'm in nursing, which means that my co-workers understand the disease process and they do so without feeling sorry for the 23 year old inflamed chick. For the most part my family understands and if they don't they are smart enough not to say anything to my face. In this instance I am my own emotional enemy.

I have always tried to stay active and try new things, but it is more difficult than ever to stay active. I'm trying to find new hobbies to stay entertained and busy. All I have so far is poker. I'm getting better. I'm not as good as the people I play with but it works well for me and the disease. I can get good at it and I can do it as often as I please, but I don't enjoy putting up real cash to do it. We are in a recession, it just seem wasteful when I lose. I've also started learning yoga poses on my own with a sweet app in the 'ol iPad. The only thing I totally hate about yoga is that it is so hard! Those people on t.v., even the regular people I've watched in classes make it look so easy. Well let me tell you first hand...It isn't easy. I'm going to keep trying though and even sign up for a couple of classes in hopes that it will become easier and in the end I will have a smokin hot body! Though the most punishment I recieve from my enemy is learning to deal with the uncertainty.

There always has to be a plan. If it must be done, there must be a plan. With my days being as crazy as the weather in the Midwest, it becomes really hard to have an effective plan for the day. How am I supposed to make plans for the future if I can't even make a reasonable plan for one day? I hate the feeling of being unprepared. I've come to the understanding that we get thrown curve balls here and there and you just have to deal with them. What are you supposed to do when everyday is one big game full of splitters, curve balls and strike outs (GO CARDS!)? I don't know what to do and since I'm usually already super tired anyway crawling in to my king size bed, turning on some Law and Order and going to sleep seems like the easiest and best thing to do. I know I'm just running and this is the perfect way to not think about it. But I'm not sure how to feel and I'm realizing think that I want to live in my "RA Reality".

Hopefully soon I can come to my senses, really get on board, become more flexible and really think about the next steps im going to take. Ultimately I'm responsible for what happens next and I should be prepared. As I make these uuber dificult steps, I'll keep you posted.


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