Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Keeping a journal makes me feel like a Slave

SLAVE?! Yes, I know a little dramatic, but I'm being forever serious. Like I said in my previous entry, that when I was in school I stopped keeping a journal and even attempting to keep track of the disease in any way.

Recently I have been on the climbing slope of my flare bell curve. I decided that I would go ahead and keep track of the flare day by day with the memo app on my iPad. I find it easy to use when my hands hurt because I only need to touch it lightly to type, unlike my 17" dinosaur laptop. Typing on that thing in flare feels like I'm tyring to break my finger tips off one key at a time. My most recent 12 hour shift at work was difficult to say the least, but I had my iPad attached to my hip so that I could make sure that I noted changes and any self treatments. I decided that my the days that I'm in a flare I should keep more detailed notes so that when I get insurance and an appointment with a doctor (hopefully) we can learn to recognize triggers, auras or a cycle. Also because I may not have a doctor for a good long while, so when I do see a doctor I will have day by day proof of flares and pain. I'm not half steppin with these doctors anymore. I'm going to start being just as aggressive with doctors as this disease is with me.

They walk in stare at their notes, ask the most generic of questions, then they decide that they would like to squeeze your already painful, stiff joints. Write the fastest generic prescriptions and run out of the room. No 'How are you feeling today?', 'Are you having any concerns?', 'Have you already done a treatment that HAS NOT worked for you before I prescribe you all the same crap?', and my dream question....'Is there anything that I can do to help you?' Oh, it feels good to dream!

Even though I know I keeping a journal is for my own greater good, being so detailed with my notes along with the actual flares and what not, make me feel like a slave to the disease. Being able to flip though pages and pages that equate to days and months almost makes feel hopeless. I sit back and ask myself when will it end? Will this ever even out and be controlled? This hopelessness is cyclical. Because keeping the journal kind of makes me depressed, I stop keeping it, then at doctors appointments I have no real hard evidence to show, in return I have to rework my way up through the same treatments that didn't work before. Go figure?!

For now I guess I am a Slave to RA. I'm a serving a life sentence strapped to my iPad, unless I get off early for good behavior. : )  I'll keep you posted.


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